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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Doomsday. Well, Allistair's and mine, anyway

I'm not a film critic. I like what I like. But when I DON'T like something, well, there's a very good reason for it and 90% of the time it's sheer laziness. "We'll get from point A to point K in one step. Sure, that'll work." My brain can fill in missing steps with imaginary off screen dialogue for 1, maybe 2 steps, but after a while, I can't imagine the 'real' movie taking place off screen the whole time. In that point, you've just failed.

And I'm talking to YOU Mr. Neil Marshall. Oh, you had built such wonderful credit with Dog Soldiers and The Descent. So....what...what's with the big FUCK YOU to your fans with THIS GARBAGE?!


I had a whole long diatribe about how retarded this movie was from beginning to very, very end. But when I started to ramble on and on, it seemed more like a madman, so I stepped back to I could approach it from a more focused position. This...will be difficult and take a while.

First, the synopsis:

"Great Britain, 2007. A deadly plague, known as the "Reaper Virus," has broken out, killing hundreds of thousands in its wake. In desperation, the British Government evacuates as many survivors as it can out of the infected area, and then builds a wall, preventing the remainder from escaping. Thirty years later, with the wall still up and the victims all but forgotten, the virus breaks out again. The Government decides to send a crack team of operatives, led by Major Eden Sinclair, into the hot zone to investigate the possibility of a cure."

OK, so, there's just too much so we'll start with #1.

#1. They erect a 30-foot steel wall ALL THE WAY AROUND SCOTLAND. Apparently, no one saw it coming, so none of the infected were able to escape before it was actually completed and all doors were closed and welded shut.

#2. Once the wall was closed, they decide to pretend no one existed over there, make it a no fly zone and call it a day. I'm sorry, what? IGNORE it? Not set up bases, study survivors, look for a cure, test & evac people, monitor for life, salvage materials? They can't even have e-mail or websites inside? "Nope, shut 'em off, they get nothing. No, no, I said no phone calls. Stop it! It's not there anymore. I don't seeee yoooou." No? Um, OK, let's move on.

#3. Ms. Bionic Eye. Apparently, a good recorder for a SWAT-type person is in their actual eye socket, which they can take out and put back in as needed. After rolling it around on floors of dirty old ships and the like. No wonder you had a virus outbreak, you filthy people.

#4. Apparently, the ONLY place to house 100's of thousands of survivors from an evacuated COUNTRY is in downtown London. Because there's SO much room there. Yes, by all means, let's create a filthy compact environment in the heart of our country and house people fleeing from a plague state. Well done. OK, this is only about 5-10 minutes into the film, so you can see where this will inevitably lead to madness.

#5. Apparently, after quarantining a country for more than 35 years, a plague can spontaneously outbreak when no one has been into that are for decades. That's a lovely dormancy factor. But whatever, plot point.

#6. We're sending a crack team in for the cure! OK, WHY IS THE CURE ON THE INSIDE? Oh, I forgot. You ignored it, so hopefully some ass on the inside discovered one with zero resources. Good for you. "OK, so we know there are people inside because we have a satellite watching". Oh, so you weren't COMPLETELY ignoring the country. You snuck a peek from time to time for giggles. We're still about 10 minutes in.

#7. We have two large battle APCs! We'll send both in and put 4 people in each. Sure, they each probably hold 12, but why send extra bodies or only one tank? No matter, let's move on.

#8. Open the doors! And make sure you weld them back shut again so the hoards of 1 survivor can't come prying their way back in.

#9. "What did we just hit?" "I don't know". Apparently, even though you have both radar AND a windshield AND HEADLIGHTS, you can't 'see' a massive herd of cows and get stuck in the middle of it. We have now established that YOU are retarded. Which we will follow up with shortly.

#10. All team members MUST wear a bio suit to go outside. Of course, when they open the ENTIRE BACK of the battle APC, the driver, who isn't in a separate section, doesn't need to wear one at all. So yes, all retarded.

#11. Apparently, if left unattended for 35 years, natural weeds will grow through the basement of hospitals, from floor to roof, with each vine about 5-10 inches thick. I'll call it magic beans and move on. Maybe the virus originated from a dump Jacks' Giant took off of his cloud and into Scotland's water supply.

#12. Road Warrior punks attack!!!! 100's of crazy punks all pour through ONE door of the hospital flinging fire bombs everywhere and screaming. let's pause the conversation for a moment. First, 100's of Road Warriors show up. In face paint, spiked/colored hair, leather, spikes, tattooed, etc. It's nice that Scotland had THIS MUCH Manic Panic, hairspray, leather and skilled tattoo artists to supply a small army in a few decades. We'll get back to this, though. Note that the APCs JUST ARRIVED INTO TOWN, no one has arrived in 3 decades, and yet an entire army is ready in waiting and attack immediately. Also, they totally know how to infiltrate a battle APC and blow them up.

#13. Speaking of battle APCs, it takes the APC about 5 minutes (while everyone else fights) to actually get to the escape point. YOU HAVE A TANK AND A ROAD. They were on FOOT for a few minutes. How far did you have to drive? Ugh. I hate this movie. But let's move on.

#14. Soldiers are captured and brought out for "The Big Show"! The 'leader' in the poster above does a song and dance to 'Fine Young Cannibals' with a big light and sound show, men dancing in kilts and all that and then riles up his army of punks. Plus motorbiked spinning out and all that. Apparently, there's no lack of resources in this 'wasteland'. Oh, and people bouncing around on elastic harnesses. Where's Master Blaster?! I know he's here somewhere! Even more tattoos, leather, Manic panic and hairspray. I'm sorry, there aren't that many Hot Topics in the world and ONE of them should have had an Invader Zim shirt on or something. And also, apparently the punks are the ones who survive a viral attack. Because they have many skills when it comes to infrastructure and survival. Yeah, OK. OH! Also, I forgot. HOW DID THESE CRAZY-ASS PARTIES NOT SHOW UP ON A SATELLITE WHEN ONE PERSON DOES?!

#15. Ooh! Not ONLY are we punks, but we are ALSO CANNIBALS!!! WOOOOOO!!!! And what better way to cook our meat than WITH ALL OF HIS CLOTHES AND BOOTS ON. Yeah, melt that polyester in for extra flavor. Oh, and yeah, you have plenty of cows, I saw them, but maybe they are invisible because the other people didn't see them either....clever, clever cows...

#16. Oh! I totally forgot. The 'crazy' leader? He has a pet GIMP. Like Pulp Fiction. On a chain, in the outfit. Seriously, I hate you.

#17. OK! remaining soldiers are free and on the run! A few had escaped earlier and now it's time for all of us to meet up! How do we do that? Magic GPS. These people are in a city that no one has been to in 35 years in pants and t-shirts. So they use magic to navigate to specific subway stops.

#18. What's the best way to outrun a bus of crazy punks!? Hint: It involves running in a straight line down a wide street!

#19. How fast do you have to be to outrun a motorcycle BUT catch a train? Apparently normal human speed will do fine.

#20. Yes, train. Punks can smell an APC drive into a city at night but CAN'T HEAR A TRAIN COME INTO THE TRAIN STATION. Oh, and teenagers know how to drive steam trains. Next!

#21. "We pass through here all the time". What is "here" exactly? It's a giant bunker full of crates with a big fat manifest. Nothing has been touched, we'll come back here later.

#22. OK, into the woods and...wha? KNIGHTS ON HORSEBACK. Fuck you, I'm done. But now it's just a trainwreck and I gotta see what happens. (Note, I really, really didn't)

#23. "Hi! I'm Malcolm MacDowell, I'm the leader of MY MEDIEVAL KINGDOM. And yes, that IS in fact, a stain glass window with a biohazard logo in it. We aren't completely retarded." (yes, they are, I'm getting to that). "Oh, and yes, this creepy old man clutching a large ancient tome is my high advisor. And no, I don't know what that book would even be. We've only been in here for 35 years and I do in fact rememeber being part of the real world. Also, I tell everyone that the real world is gone now and they totally believe me. Even though many of the people are older than 35 and probably would have checked at some point since we already survived the plague."

#24. MEDIEVAL KINGDOM. "Cake or Death". You get to be A: a reject punk or B: a ren-fair reject. CHOOSE YOUR FATE NOW! There is no middle ground! Yes, Mr. MacDowell's castle is filed with people in hard-core, high end medieval wear DOWN TO THE LEATHER PEASANT HOODS. Now, I might be wrong, there probably ARE a lot of Hot Topics in the world, but high-end ren-fair wear? Please. I mean COME ON!!!! Yes, it makes much more sense to bundle up in my crappy medieval clothes than a nice insulated jacket and a pair of jeans. For fucks sake.

#25. Oh, and screw guns. We'll use arrows and axes and maces. Cool? Cool. (actually, not so much.)

#26! OH! I can't forget that King Malcolm ALSO HAD A FALCONER. I'm literally shaking my fists at the screen at this point and I can't get up and leave.

#27. OK, Allistair (fellow sufferer) and I got into a small debate over the validity of this point, but I'm gonna state my side of it. You throw a small woman, albeit with extreme military training into a ring with a massive dude in armor and a mace, who will win? The fight dragged on forever when I honestly believe that she could have ducked once and then broken his knees with a kick from the side. Oh, and the universal truths with Punks and Ren-Fair? They both love battle pits! They should have just started up their own Olympics or something. Anyway, she wins, they all escape, and back to the bunker, the EXACT SAME WAY THEY CAME FROM THE PUNKS.

#28. OK, now I have to interrupt again and mention that there is now a retarded love-story with one of the medieval teenage girls and one of the doctors from the team. They've only spent maybe 5 minutes together so far. OH. And the medieval girl is King Malcolm's daughter, of course. OH! And her BROTHER is the crazy Punk leader. OF COURSE.

#29. The bunker! Oh, glorious bunker. This isn't locked by the way. Say, shall we check the manifest? oooh. SATELLITE PHONES. With charged batteries! Fanastic. What's in this one? Sweet! A brand new BMW! Great, let's hop in and go for a spin! And show knows what else was in the crates that you've been passing by ALL THE TIME YOU STUPID LITTLE SHITS. Oh, the car's gassed up and ready to go after 35 years in a crate? Sweet. Cuz sometimes my battery will die if I don't drive it for a few weeks or you know, normal car stuff.

#29. "Now let's try and reproduce the car fights form Mad Max 2 & 3". Zoom, zoom, smash! "Make sure the gimp is on the hood! Why? Cuz it's COOL, that's why! WOOOOOOOOO!! They are in a fancy BMW, let's block it with the bus!!" SMAAAASH!! Huh, apparently the new model, er, 35 years ago model, can smash through the side of a bus unscathed. fair enough.

#30. We meet the helicopter! Will the be cheated? Will the creepy Politics man from London stop them? Do they have the cure? I for one didn't care anymore. Loks like the cure is...WHA?! In the girls blood. Or, I'm assuming ANYONE'S BLOOD THAT SURVIVED. Fair enough. "Hand her over! Oh, and you can come too". Oh, um, OK. is that an ultimatum? I don't get it. They can all go, right? But first! Back to the bionic eye plot point! You don't think we'd forget THAT did you? No, no, she has to record the Political man's confession to make billions off the cure to broadcast to the world. Sure. OK. Anyway, no one cares anymore.

#31. "Now that I'm a bad ass that survived my little adventure, I'm gonna go look for my mommy that lives in here. I have the address I've been carrying for my whole life! Oh, she's gone? Do I want to go back home to the normal world? Na. I wanna rule the Punks!" THE END.

And that's all I have in me anymore. I'm spent.


Blogger Vitamin Black said...

A few small points.

1. Small women would get killed in men with big armor. We really don't know how much the armor weights because at one moment the dude's lumbering around and the next he's sprinting after her. In the battle bit.

2. The car was a Bentley Flying Spur.

3. There were drums of gas laying around the bunker which is how they gassed up the car.

4. The car was in a LIT fucking shipping container. Apparently the container was plugged into an electrical socket. Oh Jesus I hated this movie.

5. They spent the entire time rubbing up against people that were immune to the virus but were probably still carriers and didn't even catch a cold.

6. Apparently military grade APC's only use shatter proof glass in its windows. A punk broke through it with a home made mace.

7. 35 years in the future police captains drive Volkswagen Passat's. Apparently the capn' was into antiques.

7. The entire movie ripped off GIANT chunks of other movies.

a. Escape from New York
b. 28 days Later
c. Aliens
d. Timeline
e. Outbreak
f. Road Warrior (where the fuck are these people getting all these leather pants from?)
g. Resident Evil

8. In terms of "female bad ass action movies" I'd place this well south of Ultraviolet. It's completely unwatchable drunk or sober.

2:59 PM

Blogger mAc said...

I said THE END, sir! Please, don't drag this out any more than necessary.

3:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks mac! I was totally going to see this because, you know, dog soldiers and the descent. you've saved me!

10:15 AM

Blogger Dinah said...

Well freaking done, my love. Well done INDEED.

10:42 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


2:02 PM


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