So........Spider-Man 3....

Mmmmmmmm.

Spider-Man 3, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

First off, there's no story. Not one that I cared about, anyway. And the pacing and logic behind it made it seem like it was a failed episode of CSI: Miami. A FAILED episode. This is a show where if they find a grain on a pant leg, they know exactly which plant it came from, how rare it is and what specific corner of a local park it grows in, without ever looking it up. Or magically finding bullets. Or solving any of their crimes, really.

Venom? TOTALLY forced. Ridiculously so. And you waste Dylan Baker in a role that exists purely to explain how the symbiote works. Yet there's not a real urgency to it. Like he saw an alien symbiote just last week. College professors run across them all the time. Really. Black space slime starts scurrying across the desk back to Peter and all he can say is "Looks like it really likes you". WTF?!?!!?! SPACE SLIME IS RUNNING TOWARDS HIM and that's all that runs through your mind? Nice.

Sandman? Dude, whatever. Church was good, but the character was lame. And if I had to look at him weep about his sick daughter one more time, I'd kill her, just so he'd have some arc or something. And I won't even spoil HIS final moments on screen. I think I barfed a little in my mouth.

And seriously. "Evil" Peter Parker? UGH. So greasy and douchebaggy it was actually uncomfortable to watch. I was embarrassed for the movie and even more so for Tobey. No, really, it makes you want to crawl out of your seat.

And oh, poor, poor, poor New Yorkers. Sam Raimi must really hate you. Never have I seen New Yorkers portrayed as such assclowns. Everything they did was retarded and unwatchable. Like they all rode the short bus in from Jersey.

Mary Jane? Ugh. About as noticeable as Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane.

Mr. Goblin Jr. - Actually entertaining for the most part. A little "simpleton" when he has some memory loss, but not too bad. Not sure how they explain his super-healing from one fight but then a fire scars him permanently.

The last thing I'm going to rail on is the endingS. Three was too many. And after I threw up in my mouth with Sandman's, I didn't care to see the rest.

NOW! On with the GOOD. Because the movie wasn't a complete piece of shit. Just terribly flawed.

Topher Grace? Rocked Eddie Brock Jr. He was perfect. And while Topher-Venom was a little...awkward, he was still funny for the most part.

Bryce Dallas Howard? AWESOME as Gwen Stacy. More of her, less of Mary Jane, please.

The supporting cast was great as always. J.J., Robbie, Betty & May were all great. Bruce Campbell had another cameo that was really funny.

The effects were mostly good. But some looked unfinished and some of the Sandman stuff was very Mummy-like and uninteresting.

All in all, my reaction to the movie was "Meh". I'll watch it again on DVD, probably, but I'd recommend seeing it without the crowds and at your own leisure.

Another thought I had was this should have been handed to Brett Ratner. You heard me. He should have given this the X3 treatment. Bunch of action, cram in loads of Spidey extras like Rhino, Electro and Scorpion and made it 93 minutes. It would have been a billion times better than this.

Here's a review from the comic nerd at Ain't It Cool News, which is more detailed, but sums it up perfectly as well.