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Monday, August 10, 2009

G.I. JOE: The Sequel

OK! So the movie raked in about 100 mill world-wide this weekend which means...sequel!

Several years ago I did my G.I. Joe draft of everyone I wanted to be in the GI Joe movie. It was a little over the top, but whatever. Since then, they cast many people in the movie, some of which I don't agree with at all, and others which were perfectly serviceable.
In fact...


SNAKE EYES: I got one right! He was the only one from my initial wish list that actually made the cut to the movie! So that was pretty cool.

So now that the movie is raking in the cash, it's time to head back to the drawing board! Who will they add to the sequel?

I still hold to all of my choices from last time. I think they hold up strong!



FLINT: Kyle Chandler (King Kong, 'Friday Night Lights'). He also played the bomb-disposal bad-ass in Grey's Anatomy, so I think he would be perfect as the no-nonsense 3rd in command (after Hawk & Duke).


FALCON: Adrian Pasdar (Near Dark, 'Heroes'). Everyone needs a douchebag in command somewhere in the chain. So he gets the Don Johnson treatment as Falcon.



ROCK 'N' ROLL: Steve Zahn (Sahara, Joy Ride). Since this guy was basically replaced by Roadblock (and now Heavy Duty in the new movie), having a machine-gun obsessed character itching to blow holes in things because he never gets to go on missions is some good comedy. Like Tackleberry in the Police Academy flicks.


CLUTCH: Jeremy Piven (Smokin' Aces, 'Entourage'). The Piv gets an appearance as the Joe's wheelman. Hey, he was the pilot in Black Hawk Down. Oh, but that crashed.


SNOW JOB: Zach Galifianakis (Tru Calling, 'Dog Bites Man'). Speaking of specialists who never get to go on missions! How many times are there fights in the snow?! Yet another bitter member of The Pit's peanut gallery. But hey! Someone else cast him as Snow Job already!


QUICK KICK: John Cho (Better Luck Tomorrow, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle). G.I. Joe went ninja-crazy at some point, but Quick Kick was the first. Ideally, he should be cracking some joke when Storm Shadow cuts his head off.


BAZOOKA: Dan Fogler (Balls of Fury, Fanboys). Bumbling idiot with a bazooka. Fogler's career launch is about to take place this year, so sign him up now while he's cheap!


WILD BILL: Alan Tudyk (Serenity, A Knight's Tale). Tudyk's turn as the pilot in 'Firefly' and Serenity earned him this one. Plus the red hair and being from Texas. He got a funny part as Shipwreck in the Ballad of G.I. Joe, too.



WILD BILL: Jeff Foxworthy (White Trash Trailer Incest Show something or other). HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just look at the picture!



STALKER: Michael Jai White (Spawn, Universal Soldier: The Return). He's got some fighting chops and a 'stache, so we're all good to go!


SPIRIT: Adam Beach (Windtalkers, Flags of Our Fathers). I'll admit it, there aren't a hell of a lot of Native American actors out there, so he kind of owns this one by default. He's good, though.


ROADBLOCK: Terry Crews (Starsky & Hutch, Harsh Times). Bald, funny AND bad-ass, Crews gets the job.


SHIPWRECK: Johnny Messner (Anacondas, Tears of the Sun). Messner's done his fair share of action flicks and his turn as a boat captain in Anacondas scores him this one. We replace the parrot with a monkey, though, because parrots are lame and monkeys are cool.


MUTT: Tom Sizemore (Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan). For the character that needs a muzzle, Tom's your man. Indeed. Indeed.


LADY JAYE: Michelle Monaghan (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, M: I III). Wow! We have 3 of the 6 chicks from the show in the cast! She's got some action chops under her belt, so I'm good.


DOC: Joe Morton (T2, Speed, Stealth). Morton's a real go-to guy as far as solid personality actors go. You always get 'Joe Morton' and Doc is 'Joe Morton'. So there you go.


GUNG HO: Gary Nickens (Bad Boys II, The Island). I don't even think this guys has lines in any movies, but he's awesome anyways. And scary. And Brendan Fraser sucked in his cameo in the movie.



THE BARONESS (PLEASE RECAST): Rhona Mitra ('Nip/Tuck', Shooter). Look at that photo! So much better than Sienna Miller.


SERPENTOR: Ralph Fiennes (Schindler's List, Harry Potter flix). As a charismatic nasty bastard, he fits the bill. This was sent in by SEVERAL people, so everyone was on the same page with this.



MAJOR BLUDD: Rufus Sewell (A Knight's Tale, Legend of Zorro). Rufus is one of the smarmiest villains there is, and would suit Bludd's whiny nature as well. Good for you, Rufus.


DR. MINDBENDER: Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, 'The 4400'). Oh, please. Mad-scientist? IS there anyone else? Sadly, Kevin J. O'Connor plays Mindbender in a flashback, whihc may or may not have a bigger role in the sequel. Frankly, if Sommers is following Comic-book canon, then the Brain-Wave Device needs to make an appearance and start messing some people up.


FIREFLY: Marton Csokas (LOTR, Bourne Supremecy, Aeon Flux). Marton has been making his way through every genre-based-on-existing-property film he can get work in, so who better to play everyone's favorite saboteur?


TOMAX & XAMOT: Karl Urban (Doom, Chronicles of Riddick). Good ol' Karl's been nothing but a solid staple as 2nd-tier baddie in a lot of films. Plus it's simple enough these days to have him play twins from a technological standpoint. Eddie Murphy does it every time he leaves the house.


SCRAP IRON: Robert Patrick (T2, Die Hard 2). Back in the day, Patrick was awesome as a thug. He should do that more instead of trying to be the main baddie (cough, The Marine, cough), I think he'd be appreciated more. By me anyway.


So Zartan is already in the movie, but I don't know how (in his current position) the Dreadnoks would fit in. But they should absolutely try.


BUZZER: David Wenham (Van Helsing, 300). Being a lackey's what Wenham does BEST! Give this man a job!


TORCH: Tony Curran (LXG, Blade II, Underworld: Evolution). Oh, Tony. You'll do this. You get to BURN things instead of having to bite/claw your way through. Eeeeeeveryone likes to buuuuuurn things.


RIPPER: Vinnie Jones (X3, Swordfish). Need something smashed, or in this case, ripped? Vinnie'll do it!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, please, say that Johnny the back stabbing jerk is not in this, he talks so much serious crap about real leading men like Vin Diesel, Val Kilmer, Orlando Bloom, he stabs anyones back who presents it, he even said Bruce Willis is getting old, and Bruce, according to Johnny Messner is his best friend! Ewwww my skin just crawled up my back.

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