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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

G.I. Joe: The Complete Draft

I posted a few weeks ago that Lorenzo Di Bonaventura will be producing a G.I. Joe film following this summer's Transformers film (he also produced Constantine, Four Brothers and Doom). He is eying Mark Wahlberg for the role of Duke, but where else would he go from there? Someone asked in a post, so I figured I could take the time to try and guess. Considering budget limitations, I decided not to make a 'Dream Cast' list, but a realistic one, though, some of these people could be replaced out with more obscure actors who's names I don't know or couldn't recall without seeing them in something. And some probably wouldn't make a cameo as a 3rd-tier villain or hero, but they seemed to fit.

I ran these over a week, and now they are clogging up my main page, making things hard to find, so I collected them all into one post. Let's move on.



DUKE: Mark Wahlberg (Shooter, The Italian Job). He's already been mentioned and can hold himself in an action flick, so I think it would work.


HAWK: Alec Baldwin (Pearl Harbor, GlenGarry Glenn Ross). Hawk was never really a big part, more of a middleman between the Pentagon and the Joes. A good cameo would hold this one fine.


SNAKE EYES: Ray Park (Star Wars Ep. 1, X-Men). Snake Eyes was a mute ninja who always wore a mask because his face was burned off. Ray Park would fit this role perfectly. Plus he'll have to face off against Storm Shadow in the film's finale. (Ray Park was Darth Maul & Toad, for those who didn't know)


SCARLETT: Jennifer Garner ('Alias', Daredevil) Scarlett is the head ass-kicker after Snake Eyes and the core of the team with Snake Eyes and Duke, so it would be handy for a big name talent who can be part of a good combat segment before she gets her ass eventually handed to her by Storm Shadow and hence pissing off Snake Eyes for a battle supreme.


FLINT: Kyle Chandler (King Kong, 'Friday Night Lights'). He also played the bomb-disposal bad-ass in Grey's Anatomy, so I think he would be perfect as the no-nonsense 3rd in command (after Hawk & Duke).


FALCON: Adrian Pasdar (Near Dark, 'Heroes'). At the behest of the wife, Adrian Pasdar needed to be added to the cast. So he gets the Don Johnson treatment as Falcon.



ROCK 'N' ROLL: Steve Zahn (Sahara, Joy Ride). Since this guys was basically replaced by Roadblock, having a machine-gun obsessed character itching to blow holes in things because he never gets to go on missions is some good comedy. Like Tackleberry in the Police Academy flicks.


CLUTCH: Jeremy Piven (Smokin' Aces, 'Entourage'). The Piv gets an appearance as the Joe's wheelman. Hey, he was the pilot in Black Hawk Down. Oh, but that crashed.


SNOW JOB: Zach Galifianakis (Tru Calling, 'Dog Bites Man'). Speaking of specialists who never get to go on missions! How many times are there fights in the snow?! Yet another bitter member of The Pit's peanut gallery.


QUICK KICK: John Cho (Better Luck Tomorrow, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle). G.I. Joe went ninja-crazy at some point, but Quick Kick was the first. Ideally, he should be cracking some joke when Storm Shadow cuts his head off.


BAZOOKA: Dan Fogler (Balls of Fury, Fanboys). Bumbling idiot with a bazooka. Fogler's career launch is about to take place this year, so sign him up now while he's cheap!


WILD BILL: Alan Tudyk (Serenity, A Knight's Tale). Tudyk's turn as the pilot in 'Firefly' and Serenity earned him this one. Plus the red hair and being from Texas.



WILD BILL: Jeff Foxworthy (White Trash Trailer Incest Show something or other). HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just look at the picture!



STALKER: Michael Jai White (Spawn, Universal Soldier: The Return). He's got some fighting chops and a 'stache, so we're all good to go!


SPIRIT: Adam Beach (Windtalkers, Flags of Our Fathers). I'll admit it, there aren't a hell of a lot of Native American actors out there, so he kind of owns this one by default. He's good, though.


ROADBLOCK: Terry Crews (Starsky & Hutch, Harsh Times). Bald, funny AND bad-ass, Crews gets the job.


SHIPWRECK: Johnny Messner (Anacondas, Tears of the Sun). Messner's done his fair share of action flicks and his turn as a boat captain in Anacondas scores him this one. We replace the parrot with a monkey, though, because parrots are lame and monkeys are cool.


MUTT: Tom Sizemore (Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan). For the character that needs a muzzle, Tom's your man. Indeed. Indeed.


LADY JAYE: Michelle Monaghan (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, M: I III). Wow! We have 3 of the 6 chicks from the show in the cast! She's got some action chops under her belt, so I'm good.


DOC: Joe Morton (T2, Speed, Stealth). Morton's a real go-to guy as far as solid personality actors go. You always get 'Joe Morton' and Doc is 'Joe Morton'. So there you go.


GUNG HO: Gary Nickens (Bad Boys II, The Island). I don't even think this guys has lines in any movies, but he's awesome anyways. And scary.



COBRA COMMANDER: Gary Oldman (Leon, Lost In Space). No stranger to spitting lunatic roles, Oldman owns Cobra Commander. Now it just makes us sad that he wears a mask and can't spit on Destro's head while ranting.



COBRA COMMANDER: Steve Buscemi (Armageddon, Con Air). Ol' Steve was my FIRST choice for the Commander, as he fit that skinny whiner profile to a TEE. But I always felt the Commander should be a spitter, and Oldman seemed like top choice. Plus I wanted to villain to be more believable. Well, as much as he can be.


COBRA COMMANDER: Kevin J. O'Connor (The Mummy, Van Helsing). Whiner? You want a WHINER? NO ONE whines as good as Kevin. As Beni in The Mummy or Igor in Van Helsing. Kevin just has that grating built-in warble in his voice that seems perfectly suited.


DESTRO: Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, V For Vendetta). After seriously rocking the expressionless mask in 'V', his precise, well spoken and subtly threatening manner makes him the perfect straight man to Cobra Commander's mad schemes.


STORM SHADOW: Jet Li (Hero, Unleashed). Master martial artist & swordsman, Jet Li vs. Ray Park is the kind of insane action the audience is really paying to see for this one. Storm Shadow vs. Snake Eyes. It's what we want. Give it.


THE BARONESS: Rhona Mitra ('Nip/Tuck', Shooter). H-O-T-T. She's done some schlocky action (Beowolf), some hotness in Nip/Tuck AND stars in Shooter (I noticed after casting her) which Bonaventura (producer of G.I. Joe) also produced, so there's a good chance of her being someone in it.


SERPENTOR: Ralph Fiennes (Schindler's List, Harry Potter flix). As a charismatic nasty bastard, he fits the bill. This was sent in by SEVERAL people, so everyone was on the same page with this.



MAJOR BLUDD: Rufus Sewell (A Knight's Tale, Legend of Zorro). Rufus is one of the smarmiest villains there is, and would suit Bludd's whiny nature as well. Good for you, Rufus.


DR. MINDBENDER: Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, 'The 4400'). Oh, please. Mad-scientist? IS there anyone else?


FIREFLY: Marton Csokas (LOTR, Bourne Supremecy, Aeon Flux). Marton has been making his way through every genre-based-on-existing-property film he can get work in, so who better to play everyone's favorite saboteur?


TOMAX & XAMOT: Karl Urban (Doom, Chronicles of Riddick). Good ol' Karl's been nothing but a solid staple as 2nd-tier baddie in a lot of films. Plus it's simple enough these days to have him play twins from a technological standpoint. Eddie Murphy does it every time he leaves the house.


SCRAP IRON: Robert Patrick (T2, Die Hard 2). Back in the day, Patrick was awesome as a thug. He should do that more instead of trying to be the main baddie (cough, The Marine, cough), I think he'd be appreciated more. By me anyway.



ZARTAN: Sean Bean (GoldenEye, LOTR). Need a creepy, yet not quite efficient villain-for-hire? Sean Bean's your man!


BUZZER: David Wenham (Van Helsing, 300). Being a lackey's what Wenham does BEST! Give this man a job!


TORCH: Tony Curran (LXG, Blade II, Underworld: Evolution). Oh, Tony. You'll do this. You get to BURN things instead of having to bite/claw your way through. Eeeeeeveryone likes to buuuuuurn things.


RIPPER: Vinnie Jones (X3, Swordfish). Need something smashed, or in this case, ripped? Vinnie'll do it!

And as a special joke for everyone!


Here's your 'treat'! For ass-hats galore, we shell out some extra cash for the Straight-To-DVD-Sequel, directed by the glorious Uwe Boll, and starring some of Hollywood's greatest stars!


GOLOBULUS: Kevin Costner (3000 Miles to Graceland, The Postman). Oh, yeah! 'Glorious Leader' should be the leader of crap! Woo-Hoo!


PYTHONA: Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct 2, Catwoman). Hey Sharon! Next time you pose like this, make sure there's a loaded gun in your hand.


NEMESIS ENFORCER: Steven Seagal (Today You Die, Mercenary For Justice). Yes, those are 2 titles from his 4-year 14 straight-to-DVD action releases. Let this be yet another glorious notch on his belt.

And that was my week of G.I. Joe casting. All done. Ugh. Though if this bad idea DOES come to fruition, I will paste mine against the actual casting as it goes along.



Anonymous Jeff said...

Fantastic work, I'd go see that movie.

9:24 PM

Blogger Vitamin Black said...

You're a fucking mad man.

1:45 PM

Blogger Vitamin Black said...

Donnie Yuen should be Storm Shadow. Gary Oldman is a good choice for Cobra Commander but I like Paul Bettany better. He's long, thin, and quite snake like already. Dominic West would be an excellent Dr.Mindbender (sans monocle and homoerotic uniform). I'd actually call Matthew Fox for Gung Ho. His voice lends itself better to sarcastic remarks better than Messner's. I don't like Hugo Weaving for Destro. Destro is built like a linebacker and I love Weaving but he's just too small. Gerard Butler anyone? You know he's got the abs to pull off the fruity outfit that Destro wears.

2:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent list! Jessica Biel would also be perfect for Lady Jaye or Scarlett. And Kelly Hu would be great as Jinx. How about Radha Mitchell a Scarlett? Would that work?

7:07 AM

Blogger Gabriel said...

Mark wahlberg should be flynt
billy crudup should play Duke
barry pepper should pla Snake Eyes

4:33 PM

Blogger Charles said...

Ok, I like most of your choices! However you left out the coolest GI Joe to EVER!!! Where is your cast for Lowlight!!! Come on everyone needs a moody sniper!! And as far as the casting goes for him, my first choice would be Matt Damon. He has the skill and acting and has shown he can do action very well. Second choice would be Brad Pitt but pretty much only cause he has some what of the look and has shown some good @$$ kicking in at least two movies, Fight Club and Mr. and Mrs. Smith where he shot stuff up!!

7:33 AM


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