Things that suck Part 17

No, there was no part 1-16 (not proper, anyway) and the reason you have a picture of a freakish vacuum cleaner here is that when you Google images of things that suck, you get a lot of images that maybe children such as yourselves don't need to be seeing unintentionally. You already know where to find them, anyway. Probably have a whole separate hard-drive dedicated to it. With a back-up.

So! This is a mish-mash of material that's in here for a variety of reasons, so, in no particular order, we shall list them.

1. New Year's Eve. I do not REMEMBER the last 'AMAZING' New Year's Eve I had. Something unimaginably horrible or same-ole, same-ole has occurred each and every year. What's incredibly frustrating about this is that any other night of the year, I don't care if it's a Tuesday in the middle of September, I can hang with more friends and get way more drunk and all-in-all have a great night out. However, we seem to have a 2-friend limit when it comes to NYE. I can't name a single one where I've actually been able to hang out with more then 2 friends (I am counting couples as '1' so technically, there could be up to 4). What is with that?! And not that we didn't have a perfectly enjoyable NYE this year with 2 separate couples, but really. WHERE DOES EVERYONE DISAPPEAR TO? Whatever. Next year I think I'll go snowboarding in Vermont. And if you ever want to hear about the horror stories, I've got pretty good ones involving a friend's break-up that had me falling down stairs as well as the worst high-end party in the Space Needle EVER.

2. The WGA strike. To be honest, yes, the writers are getting the shaft. They deserve more money. They have stepped up in the wake of reality TV and have delivered a million kick-ass TV shows that have resulted in hundreds of lovingly wasted hours over the last 7 years or so. But the tolls have started taking effect. Cool shows canceled, whole seasons cut short, the Golden Globes were just canceled, which while kinda lame, were always fun to get drunk and watch the drunk recipients. Our kick-ass Oscar party will most likely be postponed, but I hope it will still air at some point, because we really look forward to throwing this party. Of course postponement means it'll be warmer outside for outdoor viewing, so that's cool with me. But what's really scary: movies going into production that CAN'T REWRITE WHILE SHOOTING. Good GOD there's gonna be some bad shit as a result of this. This is all my own personal selfishness here, though. The real tragedy is all the people out of work. It isn't JUST the writers who are affected. Because shows are shut down, EVERYONE is out of work. And I'm not going to count actors and directors because their guilds are up for renegotiations/strikes in the next year as well. I talking about my FRIENDS who don't get nickel #1 out of this. The sound & lighting folks, management, production staff, etc. Ain't no love for them. There's probably close to 100,000 people out of work in LA right now because of this, with no end in sight.

3. Speaking of shitty movies, let me go on a small rant about sequels. If there's a story to tell, tell it. If there are 3 stories to tell, LOSE 2, or at least 1 1/2. If you just feel like nothing's been out there a while and you think people want it, they probably DON'T. There's some non-suck in here, I just wanted to make a complete list.

Spider-Man 3 - TOO MUCH. Too much suck, really. And so much could have been easily averted.

28 Weeks Later - Still a story to tell. And done WELL.

Shrek The Third - Beating a horse's skeleton at this point.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - WAY too much talking. All the action was in #2 and the last 20 minutes of this one.

Day Watch - Frickin' SWEET.

Hostel 2 - Actually amusing. Cool twist ending. SIDE NOTE: To every one out there complaining that 'new horror' is all about torturing and killing young girls, you CLEARLY haven't been watching them all. I'm pretty sure that 99% of the hero/survivors of the past decade's worth of horror flick have been chicks. So clearly the villains are pissed and just trying to get revenge. Nothing personal.

Ocean's 13 - OK, you all have fun playing together, I get it. it was fun, but yer done.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - I have yet to stay awake through this. Director didn't listen to ONE complaint from fans after the first one and continued to butcher it.

Evan Almighty - This one gets a pass. Granted, it should have nothing to do with Bruce Almighty, but it was cute enough for a harmless family flick.

Live Free or Die Hard - I'll admit, I liked it. Ridiculous action! Not your typical beat-down McClane, which was a shame, but it was a fun action flick. The Unrated director's cut has some interesting changes in the action & dialogue.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Effin' RAWK.

Rush Hour 3 - NO! NO NO NO NO NO. I hate you Brett Ratner, to my CORE. You are, in fact, the Devil. Paul W.S. Anderson doesn't even make movies this bad. You are 1 shitty video game remake away from being Uwe Boll, sir. Prick.

Mr. Bean's Holiday - I was a big Mr. Bean fan! In 1993. Too far gone, m'dears. Now where's my Spud McKenzie movie? (this rule also applies to Jackie Chan. You're old, retire.)

Resident Evil: Extinction - Honestly not that bad. Not great, but on par with #2. 1 is still the better of them.

Saw IV - Actually didn't see it. Which is odd, since I've seen them all in the theater before.

National Treasure 2 - NO! See 'Rush Hour 3' for more details. Replace Ratner with Turteltaub. I'm pretty sure this movie was done before the writer's strike, so again, SHAME. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME. They take short cuts worse than CSI: Miami. I think part of the fun of the puzzle/treasure movies is them ACTUALLY HAVING TO FIGURE OUT THE PUZZLE. Not just some know-it-all who just immediately knows the answer just because. See: Da Vinci Code. (also has bad hair - a trend?)

Aliens vs. Predator 2 - Didn't see it yet, but hear it's SHITE.

Don't worry, I'll do a list of the movies I DID enjoy after this one at some point.

(I initially started this post to rant about Rush Hour and National Treasure, both of which put murder in my heart, but then I remembered Spider-Man 3 and Fantastic 4 and decided to make a full list.)


REVENGE UPON THE
THINGS THAT SUCK
(or "There is a God")




1. The Crocodile Cafe. I think I wrote about this back in October, but when I lived in Seattle I had a bar. A place where everybody knew my name. Seriously, it was like Cheers or that lame coffee shop in Friends. We all went there, all the time. And it was a COOL place. Kick-ass bands came to play there, we had our own table, the waitress (Diane) always had my drink on the table before we even got settled. It was that kind of awesomeness. We always got in for free and saw tons of people we knew every time we went. For me, this was my high school/college years. None of my school years stuck with me, this was my big social experiment. Anyway, as the years went by the place went in decline and we eventually moved to LA. Last October we were back for a wedding and decided to pop in for a drink for old-time sakes. That...was a mistake. It was creepy. Imagine you grew up in the 50's, were a greaser and hung out at some kick-ass diner all the time. Then imagine hanging out at Johnny Rockets. With the people that eat at Johnny Rockets now. Just a cold shell clinging to what someone thought it should be. Granted, it didn't help that you can't smoke indoors in Seattle anymore so the place didn't smell right, but the crowd were all lame GAP costumes and it just, well, sucked. You really, really, really can't go home again. It happened to Santa Barabara and it's happened to Seattle. Those things are gone, kids! And in the Croc's case, literally. On December 16th, The Crocodile Cafe closed it's doors suddenly and unexpectedly. They even had weeks of shows booked. But, in effect, it's dead. This is one of those things that's kind of like Old Yeller. I'm sad he's gone, but the fucker was rabid, yo.

2. And on THAT note. The world of movie ads has been dealt a CRIPPLING blow this week. WHERE, I ask WHERE will the new Uwe Bolle movie Dungeon Siege get a quote for their advertising stating that it's "The greatest sword & sorcerer adventure since Lord of the Rings" or how will the new "comedy spoof" Meet The Spartans hock their wares without the public knowing that "You'll split your sides laughing at this most amazing spoof comedy EVER!!!" At this point, most of you are probably staring blankly at this and wondering WTF I'm talking about. Well, kids, I'm about to tell you.

Pete Hammond has been fired from Maxim.

You ask yourself "So? I don't even read that crap." To which I say, "Yes, that's fine, you didn't NEED to read it."

Have you ever noticed, when you're watching a commercial for a movie on TV for something like Jim Carrey's 'thriller' The Number 23, which, as an intelligent human being with all their teeth and little-to-no inbreeding, you realize is utter shit, and yet somehow there's a quote that says "This movie is a must-see"? That's probably Pete Hammond. He's what most people like to call a Quote Whore, which is someone who will say ANYTHING to get their name in print or TV. Anyway, he's been fired. Praise baby Jesus!! 2008 is truly a year of change.