Move over, Chuck.

Move over, Chuck.
Originally uploaded by macslost.

You can bet Jack Bauer's not gonna write some pansy note pushing his inner-child molesting book on HIS fans. Most likely he'll just push a knife into their eye until until they buy it. That's if he was pussy enough to write one in the first place. But I digress:

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl...by himself.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.